CreativeAgingforWomen

Turning Seventy: Part 2

I've been attending quite a number of 70th birthday parties this year.  It's notable that my friends have been willing to publicly acknowledge this particular birthday when they might not have shared earlier ones. 

Many of the celebrations have taken the form of luncheons and teas.  At some, the party girl is given a deep-brimmed red hat and purple boa to wear during the meal. Remember that poem, Warning:  When I Am An Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple?  And how about the Red Hat Society?  We manage to incorporate both very nicely, with a lot of laughter. 

Who says we are the Silent Generation?

But, for me, the most precious aspect of these events is that my friends use the occasion to collect money and goods for various charities.  Instead of personal gifts, they ask us to contribute to an organization they value or volunteer for.  For one friend we even brought toys and games to stock the playroom of a children's cancer ward.

It sounds hokey, but actually the knowledge that these women--many of the attendees are well over 70 too--are so involved in the world in such active ways really touches me.  They are still putting their hearts and minds and even bodies on the line in their everyday lives. 

So when I read a description that identifies a woman of 70+ as "elderly" or even "old," I shake my head.

Who are they talking about?

Nobody I know.

Turning Seventy

Last night five women friends and I went out to dinner to celebrate our July birthdays. We do this every year, but this year was somewhat more special because two of us entered our seventies this month. We are the youngest members of the group.

I threw out the question: what is important to you as you get older?

This was after a discussion of recent illnesses in the group and among our other friends who are over seventy but don't have the advantage of a July birthday and so weren't present.

The variety of answers to my question was interesting. They ranged from making a concrete contribution to the world through joining boards of civic and philanthropic organizations after retirement to exploring aspects of oneself that were closed off earlier in life--such as taking piano lessons or painting. Some of my friends like to help people older than us; others like to spend time with children, volunteering in reading programs, for example. Some enjoy mentoring younger members of their former professions. Some find stimulation in book clubs. All enjoy being with friends close to our own age and identified this as a key factor in their sense of well-being.

Some members of the group still work full or part time; others have retired from paid work. Some have changed careers several times in their lives; others remained dedicated to one.

All of us are actively engaged with life.  In fact, the common thread in the conversation was the importance of having and keeping a sense of purpose, however that gets expressed.

For some, what gives purpose and meaning has not changed over time; for others, the desire to find something new is paramount.

I found the discussion exciting, because turning seventy hasn't been as easy for me as I expected. The month before this, I suddenly began to look ahead with foreshortened vision--recognizing how little time is left. Taking care of incapacitated relatives who are older than us by only fifteen years has occupied me and my husband for the past few months.  Making hard decisions about their care has been very stressful; following up to be sure their care is good even more so. We are not so far behind them, because fifteen years will go by in the blink of an eye if I'm not mindful enough to spend the time left wisely.  That is a sobering thought.

So it is comforting to turn to friends and listen to how they are facing the future, the choices they are making, the questions they are grappling with. I don't know how they felt about our conversation, but I came away with renewed determination to live wisely and well and to continue exploring what I can do creatively to age in a positive way.

Starting a Group for Women Over 55

Recently I have had several requests for ideas about starting a group for those of us who have reached 55 and forward.  Some want a women's group, some a coed group.  Here are a few suggestions, based on groups I have run or been part of.

Decide whether you want to organize a group yourself or want to find someone to do that for you. Do you want to join an already running group or start one from scratch?  Do you want to be with people you know or with strangers?  Do you want to have an organizing theme, such as finding a partner or accomplishing personal goals with group support? Or do you want an open format, where people can let down their hair and just connect?  Each possibility has its pros and cons.

Most important, do you want yours to be an in-person group or a virtual group?  By the latter, I mean a group that meets on the phone, so that members can call in from wherever they are.  This kind of group can also easily set up a message board to communicate between meetings.

To start an in-person group, begin by talking to everyone you know about your interest in doing this.  Word of mouth is a powerful tool.  Contact your local Women's Center to let them know your interest.  They can help you get started. If you belong to religious organizations, ask whether they would sponsor you, if they don't already have a group like the one you're looking for.  Chances are, if you're looking, so are others.  The need is there.

To start a phone/online group, you can also begin by contacting friends and spreading the word.  Many people over 55 live in more than one location over the year and would want to join a group that allows them to stay connected while moving around. 

When I first joined a phone group, I wasn't sure I would like the lack of personal contact.  After all, body language is an important part of communication. But I discovered that the human voice conveys a lot of emotion and is very individual. In some ways, talking with others over a distance makes it easier to be more open with thoughts and feelings. 

And did you know that a group hug is possible and amazingly powerful over the phone?

Of course, establishing a structure that allows everyone to speak and educating members in phone etiquette help the process.  Having someone who knows the ropes is useful to get started well. If you have specific questions, leave them here and I'll try to answer them in more detail.

Sisterhood--Or Women in Groups

Yesterday I read "My Sorority Pledge?  I Swore Off Sisterhood," an article in the New York Times by a woman in her early forties who has avoided making female friends as a result of a traumatic experience she suffered in college.  She describes joining a sorority and being date-raped during a frat party early in her freshman year.  The sorority sisters summarily booted her out because the rape became known and embarrassed them.  As a result, she lost her trust in women, especially what she thinks of as "women in packs."  She has daughters and wonders how her feelings might affect them. The article certainly made me reflect on my own experiences with women in groups.

Becoming a Grandparent

Becoming a grandparent these days no longer seems to be something that happens naturally when our kids have kids. I don't know about you, but for me it is a new role that has required actively developing new thought patterns and behavior.

Our children can have unspoken expectations of us that come out only after some unexpected conflict.

Our grandchildren can have chronic physical ailments and special needs.

With both parents working, we are sometimes called on to play a major role in supporting them in raising their children.

We want to be good grandparents, whatever that means.

And that's the bottom line--and question.

What does it mean to be a good grandparent in present-day America?

What's important about our presence in our kids' and grandkids' lives these days?

What do we need to pay attention to and learn in order to have not just good, but wonderful, relationships within our families?

I'm asking these questions of myself and everyone I know who has grandkids, because living creatively also means embracing new ideas about our relationships with others.

Note:  I also participate in a blog on parenting of all kinds called Parenting By Strengths.
Check it out.

Our Adult Children, Ourselves

Remember Our Bodies, Ourselves, followed by Ourselves, Growing Older and Ourselves and Our Children? As I contemplate them on my bookshelves I think of how far we have come in opening up all kinds of dialogs about intimate relationships within ourselves and with others.

"Adult children" is a term that sounds like an oxymoron.  And it often does reflect a real contradiction in our thinking and feeling.  Because the truth is, no matter how rational I try to be, in my mind my children (who are in their thirties and forties now) are still about twelve years old.

That's convenient, since it makes me about thirty-five.    My husband prefers thirty-nine, like Jack Benny, but that's a "cusp" year, so I'll stick with something mid-stream.

New Friends, and Lovers

I'm a long-married person, which I attribute to luck as much as anything else.  But a lot of my friends and clients, old and new, are single and getting older.  Some are widowed; some are divorced.  Some are eagerly seeking new relationships; some can't imagine replacing their partner.

A lot of them ask me, what is the healthy thing to do? 

I'm not The Buddha (yet), but I do study about these things, since my vocation and avocation are to help people, and here's what I think:

A major finding of positive psychology is that vital, satisfying relationships are the underpinnings of human well-being throughout our lives.   That is even more true  as we age. 

Old Friends

A friend asked me, "Is it important to keep old friends, even if they drive me crazy?"  After she assured me that she wasn't talking about me (because I'm only a medium-old friend?), I tried to think about the question objectively.

The words that strike me most are keep and crazy.