Caregiving

I haven't written much on this blog in the past months for a reason.

My husband and I have just buried his much older brother after a painful summer when he went into the hospital, then into hospice.  We had spent the past three years as designated caregivers for him and, through him, his wife, who descended into ever deeper dementia over that time.  His own illness was rather sudden and quickly became critical. When he died he had just turned 89; his wife, who is now confined to bed and no longer speaks, just turned 88.

Twelve years ago we became caregivers for my mother, who came to live with us during the last 18 months of her life as her dementia became more pronounced. It was hard to see her age in that way:  sometimes knowing who we were, sometimes not. We sat by her bed in the same hospice when she died, my husband by my side as I was by his in our caregiving and death watch.   

I want to talk about this because so many people our age whom I tell about our experiences have their own parallel experiences to share. Sometimes we're called the Sandwich Generation because we  find ourselves caring for parents who are living far beyond the ages our grandparents lived while we're also worrying about--sometimes even giving shelter and financial help to--our grown children and their children.  And then there's the added possibility that we are caregivers for a spouse or partner whose loss through dementia or death radically changes our own lives.

Most of us didn't expect these roles to last so long. Many of us are still working past the traditional retirement age, sometimes because we can't afford to retire yet.  If we have retired, we're suddenly pulled back into new responsibilities. Surprisingly, this combination can create guilt. Often we know how important our presence is, yet we feel resentful when our precious free time needs to spent caring for others--and we don't much like ourselves for feeling that way! It seems like a no-win situation.

Kindness to others can be a major source of happiness for human beings, Sonja Lyubomirsky tells us in The How of Happiness, a wonderful book based on current psychological research.  However, she adds, a big exception to this is the negative impact on caregivers, who often pay dearly for their kindness. Depression is depressingly common. Suppressed immune systems are a real threat because of the continuous stress. Ongoing anxiety over the enormous responsibility caregivers take on for the well being of loved ones is part of the package, since every decision seems like a life and death one.

What helps?

That will be the subject of my next post. I hope you, my secret sisters and brothers in caregiving, will add your thoughts from your own experiences to create a rich Idea Bank for other caregivers.

 

Comments

[Sara B. Healy]

Thanks for this post. It really resonated with me as I have a close friend who is a caretaker for his mom. While she is still active, her memory is not so great.

He does well with this, but I can see the stress beginning to build. I look forward to reading your next post about what helps and would love suggestions for people like me...who want to help a caretaker.

Sara