Yesterday I read "My Sorority Pledge? I Swore Off Sisterhood," an article in the New York Times by a woman in her early forties who has avoided making female friends as a result of a traumatic experience she suffered in college. She describes joining a sorority and being date-raped during a frat party early in her freshman year. The sorority sisters summarily booted her out because the rape became known and embarrassed them. As a result, she lost her trust in women, especially what she thinks of as "women in packs." She has daughters and wonders how her feelings might affect them. The article certainly made me reflect on my own experiences with women in groups.
I am something of an introvert, so I'm not naturally a group person. I do have friends, among whom I would include a sister and a brother and their spouses. I have sons, not daughters; for the latter I have consciously adopted the daughters of friends because I like females in my life. But I don't belong to a book group, as nearly every friend I have does, or any other official women's group now.
However, as I look back I feel deeply grateful for all the experiences I have had with women in groups. The first women's group I ever joined was WILPF, at the beginning of the Vietnam War. The Women's International League for Peace and Freedom was founded by women like Jane Addams and Emily Greene Balch, both of whom won Nobel Peace Prizes. I've just reopened the history of WILPF my chapter gave me when we left Ann Arbor, Michigan for New York in the mid-seventies. Many of the members were a lot older than I, had been activists for many years, and still live in my mind as the original "little old ladies in tennis shoes," although I'm older now than most of them were then.
I also joined the League of Women Voters when it was at its most
active. Again, many of the leaders were older than I. But it became a
kind of family since my own family of origin was nonpolitical, very
concerned with assimilating and with not being controversial in any
way. I hid all of these activities from my parents. My husband, bless
him, supported them and participated when he could. These days when I
meet women who also used to belong to the "League," we tend to speak a
common language and share a common past that helps connect us.
When I went back to work full-time and then to school to retrain while I was working, I couldn't continue with groups officially--no time. But at work in an office staffed mostly with women of different ages and races and social classes, I was lucky enough to find another kind of group. It was more informal but as mutually supportive. We don't work together anymore--we older ones helped the younger ones find better jobs--but this month I'm looking forward to lunch with the group when one member comes to visit from the South.
And finally, I have become part of an informal group of women my age who are now celebrating each others' 70th birthdays (mine is coming up next summer), and hopefully will be in each other's lives for the next decade or so. We have been brought together over time by many small commonalities and by Time itself.
So, I suppose I'd say to the younger woman whose article I began
these thoughts with: there are as many kinds of women as there are
men, and there must be many who have your values and sensitivity, if
you are open to them. Positive psychology research teaches us that
having a strong network of good relationships contributes greatly to
our happiness, especially as we grow older. Women in groups can be a
rich source of true friendship; maturity can help us find the right
groups. Thank goodness we don't stay eighteen years old!
Comments