CreativeAgingforWomen

Turning Seventy: Part 2

I've been attending quite a number of 70th birthday parties this year.  It's notable that my friends have been willing to publicly acknowledge this particular birthday when they might not have shared earlier ones. 

Many of the celebrations have taken the form of luncheons and teas.  At some, the party girl is given a deep-brimmed red hat and purple boa to wear during the meal. Remember that poem, Warning:  When I Am An Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple?  And how about the Red Hat Society?  We manage to incorporate both very nicely, with a lot of laughter. 

Who says we are the Silent Generation?

But, for me, the most precious aspect of these events is that my friends use the occasion to collect money and goods for various charities.  Instead of personal gifts, they ask us to contribute to an organization they value or volunteer for.  For one friend we even brought toys and games to stock the playroom of a children's cancer ward.

It sounds hokey, but actually the knowledge that these women--many of the attendees are well over 70 too--are so involved in the world in such active ways really touches me.  They are still putting their hearts and minds and even bodies on the line in their everyday lives. 

So when I read a description that identifies a woman of 70+ as "elderly" or even "old," I shake my head.

Who are they talking about?

Nobody I know.

A Younger Woman Wants to Showcase Older Women's Bodies and Spirits

I had a surprise email recently from a woman who came upon this blog and asked me to pass on her request for interviews with older women who live in New York City.  Her project really spoke to me, because one of the areas of aging I feel I haven't discussed enough is changes in our bodies as we age.  I am excited about her topic and fascinated by her approach.

 Read about the project first, below, then check out the additional comments at the end of the post.  If you are interested in participating or know someone who might be, I have included  contact information at the end of the description.  I'd also love to see your comments about this whole subject.

 

                                                     Aging Gracefully

Aging Gracefully is a proposed installation-video piece that walks the viewer through the stories of five to ten older women who reside in New York City. The piece will explore both the physical and emotional experience of aging, and through this, questions surrounding loss, mortality and the endurance of life.

Bringing together the stories of women from diverse backgrounds and communities in the city, Aging Gracefully will chronicle the life of each woman, specifically her personal journey with her body. The piece will also explore the role specific communities and cultures have played in shaping a woman’s body image over a li

I will be looking for stories that illustrate the struggle both to transcend the body and realize its limitations. When a viewer walks into the room, there will be no sound, only floor-to-ceiling images projected against the walls of women walking slowly across the wall or standing still in the frame, either nude or barely clothed. All of these projections will be strong, commanding images of women. I want the viewer to both feel reverence and a sense of immediacy when entering the room. I want the viewer to feel the depth and beauty of aging, as well as the gravity and vulnerability of what we all will eventually face.

For the installation, 5 LCD monitors will be set-up in the studio. On each screen there will be short documentaries following the life of each woman chosen for the project. Each documentary-short will be interwoven with portraits of the woman’s daily life. The individual LCD screens will make each woman’s story an intimate conversation between the viewer and the subject.

Too often, the elderly and the body are taboo subjects in our society. Young women are given clear definitions of what it means to be beautiful in a young body, and are given implements to stay young, artificially and otherwise. But no one discusses what it means to grow old, to embrace an aging body. No woman is given directions on how to age gracefully.

 With this piece, I hope to open up a space for dialogue between young and elderly women about the process of aging and embracing our lives as women, in the bodies we're given.  

Lauren Calhoun     email:  noelani@rocketmail.com

phone:  1- 646-248-8822.

I asked Lauren to clarify a few points; here are her edited answers:

I am not looking for women with body image problems, although that is an issue which was inspiration for this piece on a personal level.  If a woman did have an issue with her body growing up, that is an issue she can broach, or can choose not to. It is not the focus of the piece.

I really want to talk to women about the perception of their body over a lifetime.  Has it changed?  How? Does aging shed light on any other areas of their life?  What advice would they give to younger women about their body and their self image?  How can we shape a positive image of women over a lifetime?  Should we--or how should we--re-examine aging as a culture?

I don't think there are ready answers to these questions, but I'd like to explore them. 

My focus is not on whether a woman will go nude for the piece- I am more concerned about the individual stories collected for the piece.   If she does not want to go nude, that is completely up to her and fine with me. But, a woman will have to be comfortable with the fact that her story is part of a larger piece that does contain nudity.  I think it is an important facet of the piece. 

The reason the nude images of women displayed are important to me is that I want women to take back the concept of "beautiful" that the mass media has co-opted.  I think these semi-nude/nude portraits will be beautiful and will be a very strong message for both younger and older women: women do not have to hide their body at any age.  Lighting and the placement the camera will be kind, and each woman who allows me to film her portrait will have a final say in the matter of whether or not to use the footage.  I want any woman who decides to be nude to be completely comfortable in doing so.

Interested?  Contact Lauren.  Leave questions and comments here.

WOW: What a Group of Older Women Can Do!

WOW stands for WOMEN ON WATCH.  I am so proud that I belong to a group of women in their fifties, sixties and seventies who first banded together after the political conventions to take an active part in making change happen.

 We put our heads together and came up with a number of activities that we believed could help elect our new president. Some of us called or wrote to Seniors in swing states, explaining why we were voting for Barak Obama. Some of us traveled with our grown children to swing states to go door to door.  In our local communities we helped put up banners, plant candidate signs in yards, and get out the vote.

And we won!

But that wasn't the end.

A group of us decided that we want to be sure the future is better than the past. Our responsibility didn't end with the election of the president.  We want to keep track of the  promises made and see them properly fulfilled. 

So we continue to meet once a month to drink tea and coffee (no cookies; fruit only, thank you very much) and discuss where we think the bailout money should and should not go.  Then we decide on, and take, action steps by contacting government officials locally and nationally-- sometimes individually, sometimes as a group.  We also are actively collecting food and clothing for food pantries and people in need locally. 

Tomorrow we are meeting to talk about education (a number of members are teachers), healthcare (a number are nurses), and energy issues (all of us have seen our oil and electric bills skyrocket).  This will lead to more action steps.

There is a wonderful kind of energy in this group that makes me feel the way I did in the 1960's, when so many of us worked together to end the war in Viet Nam. I would like to thank the women who care so much about our country that they are willing to band together and continue staying on watch.

P.S. For anybody else interested in doing this, here is one more suggestion: besides using email for emergency notifications, we have set up a free telephone bridge line for times when we can't meet in person--this winter's harsh weather is an example.  To set one up, simply go to a service like freeconferencecall.com or freeaudioconferencing.com. They are simple to use and you can even make recordings of your meetings--all for free!

Caregiving through Strengths

It's an unpleasant truth that nobody in their right mind chomps at the bit to become a caregiver.

And that makes sense, when caregiving implies that someone needs extraordinary help from us because something bad has happened to them. They're unusually dependent in some way. Why would we wish that on anyone, even the very old?

It's a natural, human response to shy away from things that threaten us too, like illness and the possibility of extreme dependence and death.

Yet, shying away is not always the option we should, or do, choose to take--because we have mixed emotions here:  most simply, fear and love.

That highlights another truth, amazing in its own way.

When someone we love needs care (and I include here the normal kind of caregiving we provide children, for whom it will end as they naturally mature), we are somehow often able to overcome our fear enough to stay a course that can seem, at times, to have no end.

My question is: what can help us do this in the best way possible?

Here's where I think Positive Psychology, with its focus on optimal human functioning, has a lot to teach us.

I've written in an earlier post about the importance of  discovering and using your personal strengths to grow older well.  Look for the link to the VIA Strengths Survey there.

This is another place where deploying your strengths consciously can be a life saver.  What are your top 5 ? How could you use them to help you get the most out of this situation?

Let's say your top strength is "loving and being loved."  It's pretty obvious that it will be possible for you to create a loving connection with your care-charge as a natural extension of who you are. I spoke with a woman recently who had just lost her elderly mother after several years of illness. She spoke with great tenderness of her mother's repeated concern that she take time for herself  too. Her mother's generosity of spirit was very helpful to her; in fact she described it as a "legacy" she wants somehow to honor. The street runs in both directions: her ability to care not only for, but about, her mother was reciprocated. Don't we all appreciate this kind of mutuality?

It's also pretty clear that the practice of gratitude, a keystone strength in Positive Psychology, is a powerful resource which can help us balance the good and bad in life by retaining powerful ties to the good, even under stress.  Studies show that people who have chronic illnesses and conditions can benefit greatly from practicing gratitude.  How much more can this help us as caregivers! What can we be grateful for in relation to our care-charge, the situation, or ourselves?  When we reflect on these things, we can often maintain better equilibrium during tough moments.

Going back to Jane Brody's list--attitude is fundamental.  It's not always easy to maintain a positive attitude and you should not require it of yourself at every instant; however, it's very worthwhile to make the effort to cultivate this in the face of others' and your own pain. In fact, it is crucial to do this kind of internal work in order to thrive.

Writing and talking about your role can foster this ability.  Try this:  whether you join a support group or talk to someone individually or start a journal, use them not only to complain (although that is certainly necessary at times) but also to clarify--for yourself-- your personal reasons for caregiving.  If you can find or re-find the meaningfulness in your choice to do so, whatever it is--whether it's to repay someone for their care of you, to repair a conflicted relationship, to resolve an old issue, to stay close to a loved one before they are lost to you, or perhaps even just to build inner grit--if you can identify its value to you, you and your care-charge will benefit.

I won't pretend this will make day to day caregiving carefree--but it can make it easier.

And finally, for those in your charge who will need ongoing care--seek ways to help them become as independent as possible, for their own dignity and well being. If you can help them discover their own strengths, in the smallest way, your caregiving will become a more hopeful experience for everyone.

Preserving Your Self While Caregiving

Why reinvent the wheel when a perfectly fine one already exists?

I want to start this discussion by sending you to Jane Brody's two articles in the New York Times Science section these past two weeks: When Families Take Care of Their Own and Caring for Family, Caring for Yourself.

In the first article, she notes the increasing likelihood that we'll all become caregivers at some point in our career as "the population ages and modern medicine improves its ability to prolong lives." I think here, as well, about those soldiers returning from Iraq with terrible injuries whose families now need to care for them. And also about the rising number of autistic children, whose parents have extended responsibilities in raising them.

The recommendations Brody makes to protect against caregiver burnout are sound and sane:

1. try to carve out some personal time to do things you enjoy at least part of every day

2. get away occasionally

3. exercise

4. eat and sleep well

5. take care of your own health

6. consider joining a support group

7. learn how to work well with medical staff

8. find out what services your community offers

9. reach out to family and friends for help and support, both tangible and emotional

10.recognize when you or your loved one needs more help; don't ignore the signs of burnout or deteriorating health.

There are a lot of good ideas in these two articles and the New York Times blog on aging.

In the next post I'm going to add a few ideas of my own.

Caregiving

I haven't written much on this blog in the past months for a reason.

My husband and I have just buried his much older brother after a painful summer when he went into the hospital, then into hospice.  We had spent the past three years as designated caregivers for him and, through him, his wife, who descended into ever deeper dementia over that time.  His own illness was rather sudden and quickly became critical. When he died he had just turned 89; his wife, who is now confined to bed and no longer speaks, just turned 88.

Twelve years ago we became caregivers for my mother, who came to live with us during the last 18 months of her life as her dementia became more pronounced. It was hard to see her age in that way:  sometimes knowing who we were, sometimes not. We sat by her bed in the same hospice when she died, my husband by my side as I was by his in our caregiving and death watch.   

I want to talk about this because so many people our age whom I tell about our experiences have their own parallel experiences to share. Sometimes we're called the Sandwich Generation because we  find ourselves caring for parents who are living far beyond the ages our grandparents lived while we're also worrying about--sometimes even giving shelter and financial help to--our grown children and their children.  And then there's the added possibility that we are caregivers for a spouse or partner whose loss through dementia or death radically changes our own lives.

What Creative Aging Is--and Is Not

A lot of people protest to me that they are not at all artistic or inventive, so how can they possibly age creatively?

"Pish tush!" I say to them and give them a hug, real or virtual. Because creativity is not limited to artistic production.  It's not even related to IQ.

Rather, it is a way of living your life that can be learned and practiced, even if it's not your natural bent or a big part of your history on earth so far. 

Character Strengths and Virtues, by Chris Peterson and Martin Seligman, describes the strength of Creativity in a number of ways.  All combine two basic components:  the ability to generate new, sometimes surprising, ideas that are also adaptive--that is, which contribute to illuminating and perhaps solving life problems. 

Everyday creativity (That Good Old Yankee Ingenuity) is extremely important to cultivate as we grow older. Why?  One reason, according to Elkhonen Goldberg, who wrote The Wisdom Paradox, is that as we age we naturally rely more on the left side of our brain. This side thinks in long- established patterns that continue to help us navigate through our world and function well in general. Unfortunately, its patterns can become rigid and impoverished. On the other hand, the right side of our brain tends to atrophy with age. That's the side that adds spice to life, that helps us adapt to new information and learn new ways of doing things.

Professor Goldberg, who is interested in the neuroplasticity of the brain (its ability to develop throughout the lifespan), has created cognitive enhancement exercises to help people continue to use and grow crucial whole-brain abilities.  Without them we can lose sharpness of insight and the sense of wonder that enriches daily experience. 

Turning Seventy

Last night five women friends and I went out to dinner to celebrate our July birthdays. We do this every year, but this year was somewhat more special because two of us entered our seventies this month. We are the youngest members of the group.

I threw out the question: what is important to you as you get older?

This was after a discussion of recent illnesses in the group and among our other friends who are over seventy but don't have the advantage of a July birthday and so weren't present.

The variety of answers to my question was interesting. They ranged from making a concrete contribution to the world through joining boards of civic and philanthropic organizations after retirement to exploring aspects of oneself that were closed off earlier in life--such as taking piano lessons or painting. Some of my friends like to help people older than us; others like to spend time with children, volunteering in reading programs, for example. Some enjoy mentoring younger members of their former professions. Some find stimulation in book clubs. All enjoy being with friends close to our own age and identified this as a key factor in their sense of well-being.

Some members of the group still work full or part time; others have retired from paid work. Some have changed careers several times in their lives; others remained dedicated to one.

All of us are actively engaged with life.  In fact, the common thread in the conversation was the importance of having and keeping a sense of purpose, however that gets expressed.

For some, what gives purpose and meaning has not changed over time; for others, the desire to find something new is paramount.

I found the discussion exciting, because turning seventy hasn't been as easy for me as I expected. The month before this, I suddenly began to look ahead with foreshortened vision--recognizing how little time is left. Taking care of incapacitated relatives who are older than us by only fifteen years has occupied me and my husband for the past few months.  Making hard decisions about their care has been very stressful; following up to be sure their care is good even more so. We are not so far behind them, because fifteen years will go by in the blink of an eye if I'm not mindful enough to spend the time left wisely.  That is a sobering thought.

So it is comforting to turn to friends and listen to how they are facing the future, the choices they are making, the questions they are grappling with. I don't know how they felt about our conversation, but I came away with renewed determination to live wisely and well and to continue exploring what I can do creatively to age in a positive way.

Starting a Group for Women Over 55

Recently I have had several requests for ideas about starting a group for those of us who have reached 55 and forward.  Some want a women's group, some a coed group.  Here are a few suggestions, based on groups I have run or been part of.

Decide whether you want to organize a group yourself or want to find someone to do that for you. Do you want to join an already running group or start one from scratch?  Do you want to be with people you know or with strangers?  Do you want to have an organizing theme, such as finding a partner or accomplishing personal goals with group support? Or do you want an open format, where people can let down their hair and just connect?  Each possibility has its pros and cons.

Most important, do you want yours to be an in-person group or a virtual group?  By the latter, I mean a group that meets on the phone, so that members can call in from wherever they are.  This kind of group can also easily set up a message board to communicate between meetings.

To start an in-person group, begin by talking to everyone you know about your interest in doing this.  Word of mouth is a powerful tool.  Contact your local Women's Center to let them know your interest.  They can help you get started. If you belong to religious organizations, ask whether they would sponsor you, if they don't already have a group like the one you're looking for.  Chances are, if you're looking, so are others.  The need is there.

To start a phone/online group, you can also begin by contacting friends and spreading the word.  Many people over 55 live in more than one location over the year and would want to join a group that allows them to stay connected while moving around. 

When I first joined a phone group, I wasn't sure I would like the lack of personal contact.  After all, body language is an important part of communication. But I discovered that the human voice conveys a lot of emotion and is very individual. In some ways, talking with others over a distance makes it easier to be more open with thoughts and feelings. 

And did you know that a group hug is possible and amazingly powerful over the phone?

Of course, establishing a structure that allows everyone to speak and educating members in phone etiquette help the process.  Having someone who knows the ropes is useful to get started well. If you have specific questions, leave them here and I'll try to answer them in more detail.

Positive Aging

What's the difference between aging creatively and aging positively?

Not a heck of a lot. But I've noticed that many women don't think of themselves as creative  unless they are artists. On the other hand, almost anybody can imagine she can learn to be more positive. So let's proceed from that idea.

If you want to feel positive about getting older, how do you do it?  This isn't a simple question.   As you know, our culture  doesn't encourage it.   Every women's magazine  and health magazine offers advice that subtly suggests we have failed if we aren't in the peak of health and still the size we were in high school.  I wish!

One of the ways I expand my horizons about aging is to read what other women are writing about it. One of my favorite online sites is called Women's Voices for Change.  The columnist Liz Smith recently wrote about the difficulty film directors have finding "grandmotherly" types for certain roles.  Everybody tries to look like a young Angie Dickinson,  one complained.

That made me go and re-look at photos in the family montages on my walls. My grandmothers sit in those posed family portraits most of us treasure. Both are decidedly plump and grandmotherly-looking. They are actually much younger than I am now but seem much older. I realize again that both died in their 50's, one of a stroke, the other mysteriously of "a broken heart" soon after one of her sons died of cancer at 24.

When I focus on their faces, though, I see something more. They have soft, sweet, worn faces. They look like women who have survived a great many changes, some good, some sorrowful.  Both came to America, from Italy and Sicily, as young women who spoke no English. Both worked hard with their husbands, who owned grocery stores in small cities in western New York State. Both were much loved and mourned by their children and grandchildren.

When I think about their lives, I feel profoundly grateful for my own. I have already outlived them by many years. Every succeeding year is a kind of gift, when I think about it. I touch my grandmothers' faces in the old pictures behind glass, silently promising them not to waste the time I have left.

What should I do with that time? Ah, that's the subject of another post.