It's an unpleasant truth that nobody in their right mind chomps at the bit to become a caregiver.
And that makes sense, when caregiving implies that someone needs extraordinary help from us because something bad has happened to them. They're unusually dependent in some way. Why would we wish that on anyone, even the very old?
It's a natural, human response to shy away from things that threaten us too, like illness and the possibility of extreme dependence and death.
Yet, shying away is not always the option we should, or do, choose to take--because we have mixed emotions here: most simply, fear and love.
That highlights another truth, amazing in its own way.
When someone we love needs care (and I include here the normal kind of caregiving we provide children, for whom it will end as they naturally mature), we are somehow often able to overcome our fear enough to stay a course that can seem, at times, to have no end.
My question is: what can help us do this in the best way possible?
Here's where I think Positive Psychology, with its focus on optimal human functioning, has a lot to teach us.
I've written in an earlier post about the importance of discovering and using your personal strengths to grow older well. Look for the link to the VIA Strengths Survey there.
This is another place where deploying your strengths consciously can be a life saver. What are your top 5 ? How could you use them to help you get the most out of this situation?
Let's say your top strength is "loving and being loved." It's pretty obvious that it will be possible for you to create a loving connection with your care-charge as a natural extension of who you are. I spoke with a woman recently who had just lost her elderly mother after several years of illness. She spoke with great tenderness of her mother's repeated concern that she take time for herself too. Her mother's generosity of spirit was very helpful to her; in fact she described it as a "legacy" she wants somehow to honor. The street runs in both directions: her ability to care not only for, but about, her mother was reciprocated. Don't we all appreciate this kind of mutuality?
It's also pretty clear that the practice of gratitude, a keystone strength in Positive Psychology, is a powerful resource which can help us balance the good and bad in life by retaining powerful ties to the good, even under stress. Studies show that people who have chronic illnesses and conditions can benefit greatly from practicing gratitude. How much more can this help us as caregivers! What can we be grateful for in relation to our care-charge, the situation, or ourselves? When we reflect on these things, we can often maintain better equilibrium during tough moments.
Going back to Jane Brody's list--attitude is fundamental. It's not always easy to maintain a positive attitude and you should not require it of yourself at every instant; however, it's very worthwhile to make the effort to cultivate this in the face of others' and your own pain. In fact, it is crucial to do this kind of internal work in order to thrive.
Writing and talking about your role can foster this ability. Try this: whether you join a support group or talk to someone individually or start a journal, use them not only to complain (although that is certainly necessary at times) but also to clarify--for yourself-- your personal reasons for caregiving. If you can find or re-find the meaningfulness in your choice to do so, whatever it is--whether it's to repay someone for their care of you, to repair a conflicted relationship, to resolve an old issue, to stay close to a loved one before they are lost to you, or perhaps even just to build inner grit--if you can identify its value to you, you and your care-charge will benefit.
I won't pretend this will make day to day caregiving carefree--but it can make it easier.
And finally, for those in your charge who will need ongoing care--seek ways to help them become as independent as possible, for their own dignity and well being. If you can help them discover their own strengths, in the smallest way, your caregiving will become a more hopeful experience for everyone.