CreativeAgingforWomen

Starting a Group for Women Over 55

Recently I have had several requests for ideas about starting a group for those of us who have reached 55 and forward.  Some want a women's group, some a coed group.  Here are a few suggestions, based on groups I have run or been part of.

Decide whether you want to organize a group yourself or want to find someone to do that for you. Do you want to join an already running group or start one from scratch?  Do you want to be with people you know or with strangers?  Do you want to have an organizing theme, such as finding a partner or accomplishing personal goals with group support? Or do you want an open format, where people can let down their hair and just connect?  Each possibility has its pros and cons.

Most important, do you want yours to be an in-person group or a virtual group?  By the latter, I mean a group that meets on the phone, so that members can call in from wherever they are.  This kind of group can also easily set up a message board to communicate between meetings.

To start an in-person group, begin by talking to everyone you know about your interest in doing this.  Word of mouth is a powerful tool.  Contact your local Women's Center to let them know your interest.  They can help you get started. If you belong to religious organizations, ask whether they would sponsor you, if they don't already have a group like the one you're looking for.  Chances are, if you're looking, so are others.  The need is there.

To start a phone/online group, you can also begin by contacting friends and spreading the word.  Many people over 55 live in more than one location over the year and would want to join a group that allows them to stay connected while moving around. 

When I first joined a phone group, I wasn't sure I would like the lack of personal contact.  After all, body language is an important part of communication. But I discovered that the human voice conveys a lot of emotion and is very individual. In some ways, talking with others over a distance makes it easier to be more open with thoughts and feelings. 

And did you know that a group hug is possible and amazingly powerful over the phone?

Of course, establishing a structure that allows everyone to speak and educating members in phone etiquette help the process.  Having someone who knows the ropes is useful to get started well. If you have specific questions, leave them here and I'll try to answer them in more detail.

Positive Aging

What's the difference between aging creatively and aging positively?

Not a heck of a lot. But I've noticed that many women don't think of themselves as creative  unless they are artists. On the other hand, almost anybody can imagine she can learn to be more positive. So let's proceed from that idea.

If you want to feel positive about getting older, how do you do it?  This isn't a simple question.   As you know, our culture  doesn't encourage it.   Every women's magazine  and health magazine offers advice that subtly suggests we have failed if we aren't in the peak of health and still the size we were in high school.  I wish!

One of the ways I expand my horizons about aging is to read what other women are writing about it. One of my favorite online sites is called Women's Voices for Change.  The columnist Liz Smith recently wrote about the difficulty film directors have finding "grandmotherly" types for certain roles.  Everybody tries to look like a young Angie Dickinson,  one complained.

That made me go and re-look at photos in the family montages on my walls. My grandmothers sit in those posed family portraits most of us treasure. Both are decidedly plump and grandmotherly-looking. They are actually much younger than I am now but seem much older. I realize again that both died in their 50's, one of a stroke, the other mysteriously of "a broken heart" soon after one of her sons died of cancer at 24.

When I focus on their faces, though, I see something more. They have soft, sweet, worn faces. They look like women who have survived a great many changes, some good, some sorrowful.  Both came to America, from Italy and Sicily, as young women who spoke no English. Both worked hard with their husbands, who owned grocery stores in small cities in western New York State. Both were much loved and mourned by their children and grandchildren.

When I think about their lives, I feel profoundly grateful for my own. I have already outlived them by many years. Every succeeding year is a kind of gift, when I think about it. I touch my grandmothers' faces in the old pictures behind glass, silently promising them not to waste the time I have left.

What should I do with that time? Ah, that's the subject of another post.

A New Year, A New Goal For Health

A year ago I decided I absolutely had to do something to build strength and improve balance. I knew  (from research and personal experience with several nasty falls) that as we age, the ratio of muscle to fat goes in the wrong direction. I don't need to spell it out for you, I'm sure.

So I found a young woman to work with one-on-one. I've been doing this for almost a year now and have found it so helpful that I asked the family as my holiday gift--and got it!-- for two sessions a week. I figure that more of a time commitment can only benefit me.

Yes, it's more expensive than a group class, but having individual attention has taught me how little I am in my body. I still can't feel when I'm lying or standing "crooked," head tilted to one side or shoulders and hips out of alignment. Fortunately, my teacher has an eagle eye.

I admire people who have the self discipline to go to the gym regularly or set up their own DVD exercise programs at home. Or others, like my friends who tap dance or square dance their way to health, or ski, or seriously bike ride and hike. Actually, I did some of those things when I was younger, but I had spent too many years sitting and listening to people for a living and hadn't put aside enough time for strenuous physical activity.

So I swallowed my pride and obeyed my own precepts as a coach: I sought out expert assistance rather than do nothing!

Sisterhood--Or Women in Groups

Yesterday I read "My Sorority Pledge?  I Swore Off Sisterhood," an article in the New York Times by a woman in her early forties who has avoided making female friends as a result of a traumatic experience she suffered in college.  She describes joining a sorority and being date-raped during a frat party early in her freshman year.  The sorority sisters summarily booted her out because the rape became known and embarrassed them.  As a result, she lost her trust in women, especially what she thinks of as "women in packs."  She has daughters and wonders how her feelings might affect them. The article certainly made me reflect on my own experiences with women in groups.

Mindfulness

Watching other people grow older often isn't pretty but it can always be instructive.

I say other people, because it is extremely difficult to see ourselves.  I notice, for example, that when I'm in an audience at a classical concert and look around, I'm likely to think, "Hmm, everybody here is older. Too bad more younger people don't come."  Younger people like me is what I'm thinking.  Talk about delusions!

Who hasn't said, at one time or another, "I don't want to be like my mother (or father) when I get old"?  We usually mean, "I don't want to get set in my ways," or "I don't want to become boring," or "I don't want to look like that."  But once in a while we catch a glimpse of ourselves in a mirror, and wince, because we see signs that we haven't escaped our deepest fears. Most of us look away immediately.  Denial has its uses, after all.

So here is the Big Question.

Having Fun at Any Age (After 50)

I love Judith Viorst's books.  Since she is older than I am, I have the benefit of her rueful poems as I reach an age she has already written about.   Right now I have just been leafing through Suddenly Sixty (and Other Shocks of Later Life),  and, looking ahead a bit, I'm Too Young to Be Seventy (and Other Delusions).   If you're younger than this, look for Forever Fifty (and Other Negotiations).

What do I love most?  Maybe her combination of true feeling and humor.  Maybe the exact way she nails an experience we've all had or thought about.  Maybe her fearlessness, at least on paper.

A Cancer Survivor's Thoughts

I wanted to bring you an eloquent Guest Post here.  It illustrates the importance of creativity in every aspect of our lives, especially as we grow older. 

Age and Illness

Talking with friends my age is a reminder that there needs to be an acknowledgment of darkness as well as light in   these pages.

You know the old joke:  when older people get together, what you hear is a long organ recital--what's wrong with this organ or that organ.  Although nowadays it's more often a recital of who has had a hip or knee replacement.  I suppose it's a sign that we're living longer, that more parts are giving out.

I'm as guilty as the next person.  Stefan Klein, in his book The Science of Happiness, comments that we are programmed to focus on bad things more than good.  As he says succinctly, "Once burned, twice shy."  That's survival mode.

Women and Technology

Last week my computer crashed.  Yes, that dread phrase appeared on the screen, then nothing else happened.  After 10 days in the shop and more than a thousand dollars to get it out of hock (because I didn't want to get a new computer and deal with Windows VISTA), I'm back online.

I learned something from this experience.  First of all, I depend much more on having my own computer than I ever realized.  Using my husband's didn't feel right.  I couldn't compose on his with any ease.  All of my bookmarks and passwords were missing.  I didn't have unlimited access to it either.  I felt cut off from the larger world I had been part of and had taken for granted. 

I also realized I was as addicted to checking my email as anyone else.   

Celebrate Your Special Birthday in Style

Remember that book Smart Women Foolish Choices?  The Foolish Choices I'm thinking of don't have to do with men but with attitudes toward ourselves.

A lot of women become fixated on measuring their worth through birthday parties and gifts.  That is, they get upset when people in their lives don't throw them a surprise fiftieth birthday or don't take them on a fabulous vacation when they turn sixty.  And so on.

I'm not disputing the fact that we all harbor secret fantasies about these things. But the reality is that what people do or don't do is not necessarily a reflection of their love for us.  Getting stuck by waiting for someone else to take on the organizing of our "special" birthdays is a big mistake.  Even if they  do organize them,  the results often don't satisfy the inner picture we have of a really special birthday party.